Ant Wars: Originally to be Published in April...

   In our time here so far, we’ve been in the midst of a bloody, never-ending war against a cunning enemy, the ants.  Their guerilla tactics, covert operations, and persistence have worn our defenses thin, but we believe that we are finally winning.  It has been a difficult struggle at times, losing some food along the way.  No doubt they will always be remembered for their brave sacrifice. 

Ground zero for ant attacks

   It all started the day after we arrived here at Wongalara.  There had been some talk about how there was ‘an ant problem’, but we figured it was something we would deal with as it came.  In the meantime, we unpacked our food, and resolved to clean up food scraps quickly and do other things that would not attract any unwanted dinner guests.  In a matter of hours, however, with a full pantry stocked and organized, we realized that the ants were on the march.  We figured that since everything was new and sealed, it was in the clear.  This is where their guerilla operations got the upper hand, since this particular species can chew through chip packets, granola bar wrappers, and other soft plastics.  By dinner that night we found that they had gotten into some granola bars, crackers, chips, and nuts.  A frantic offensive was launched to rid these packets of their visitors, and save the contents without losing too much.  Tegan and I fought bravely; shaking, blowing, and crushing our opponents with speed and tactics rivaled only by international militaries.  In the end, the counter and sink were strewn with ant bodies, some still writhing in their death throes.  It was a grizzly sight, but this is war.  This is hell.  It was not without casualties on our side, though, as we lost one granola bar, a packet of mi goreng instant noodles, and nearly lost an entire box of Cheds, which would have made me weep if not for a quick application of tape over the holes.  We took the vulnerable food from the shelves and packed it into one of our bins, a big latched one that was well away from the battlefield and offered additional security.  We also plugged their entry/exit holes in the wall with blu-tack, which is impossible for them to chew through.

   It wasn’t much after their opening offensive that they invaded again, this time around some of the bread mix that we thought was safe on another shelf.  They were fierce in their attack and unfortunately we lost a packet of gluten free mix, which became too overrun with ants to fight back.  It was not a well-liked variety, however, so the loss did not affect our resolve in the slightest; not a tear was shed.  The same night, in what was believed to be a psychological attack, perhaps 2 dozen ants entered our bedroom through the air conditioning and crawled all over Tegan during the night.  She told me the next morning that she had dreams about ants, and then woke to bites all over and realized that they had actually been a frightening reality.  I believe they avoided me simply because of my fierce temperament, and the fact that when I’m asleep, drooling, the frightening stink of morning breath is enough to repel anything.

Chemical warfare? Sometimes it's necessary.

   The moment they started appearing out of the keyboards of our MacBooks, we decided that blu-tack and fly spray were not sufficient enough weapons for this war.  We came to find out that over the wet season, these ants had successfully chewed their way through the electrics in the Jackaroo sleeping quarters next door and put the rooms out of commission until further notice.  This was the last straw.  You may attack our food, but our computers are another story.  We needed something dirtier, deadlier, and with an element of danger. We paid a visit to the trapping caravan, where we spied a jar of the most lethal ant killer; the weapon to turn the tides of this war.

   There have been various attacks since, but we are slowly gaining the upper hand with a mixture of cunning bravery and this lethal pesticide.  It’s a powder that’s supposed to be diluted with water, but we have created traps using peanut butter as a lure, covered in the powder itself.  No doubt this may be a little over the top and we have to be careful not to poison ourselves, but in such an ugly war there is room for these dirty tactics.  We remain vigilant, slowly migrating our food back to the shelves, the scene of the largest battle to date.  They have not revisited said shelf, and we believe they regard this as a kind of sacred site now, with so much bloodshed (and now pesticide) upon it.  The war may not be over just yet, but we remain confident.